Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Lambi judai..!!

I was listening to a hindi song 'lambi judai'(long separation) from the movie ' jannat' recently,,and although i'v heard it many times before , a sad realisation came to my mind this time...it resembled much of my story,,in the sense that i'v been separated from my fluency for a long time.....

In fact in the second verse of the song ,,,every line has a hidden meaning for the things going on in my life,and tells perfectly the life story of the stutterer.Its a really sad story if u think about it,,,i'vv been separated from my fluency and without it i'm hopeless....i know im being a little too dramatic but every time i hear the song it sends shivers down my spine,,,all those bad memories of stuttering come to my mind,,,,and i begin to wonder what my life could have been if i had my fluency,,my ability to speak my own name,college's name,the place where i live,,,etc....

It seems like a fairy tale to me and when i come out of it ,,i realize that there's very little chance of all those things happening,,and i turn back to my real life,,,full of fear,,worry,,and sadness,,,

I wish god would show mercy.....

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Let the truth be told...

Another thing that i despise about stuttering is the social awkwardness that results from it.Let me share with you my case,i'm in college,a good looking strong looking young man,slightly geeky and shy.This is what people wud think of me when they first see me from a distance.but as soon as they have a slight talk with me ,they get to know that something is not right with this guy,they sense the awkwardness in my voice even if i manage to speak without stuttering.
This awkwardness that is in the air i think,is because of the lack of proper social kills that develop naturally in a normal person but stuttering severely impacts the self esteem and these may not be so developed in a stutterer.

Yesterday,a girl in my class (who i have a slight crush on but obviously i dont talk to her) asked me in a very cute manner "are you coming to the fresher's party on sunday?".I ,as usual responded with a little bit of a panic and stuttering and said i had to go somewhere on sunday so i could'nt make it any way.
God,i hate those times when i have to lie because of my stuttering,,i wonder sometimes how it would feel to just tell the truth.....i cant come to the party cuz i'm afraid people will talk to me and get to know i'm a stutterer (they already do) and judge me,,i dont talk to people(classmates, collegemates, nieghbours , relatives etc) not because i'm shy but i'm extremely nervous around them and cant speak the names of many of them,,i spend all my time indoors not cuz i'm studying,,but i dreaming of a normal life free from fear,,,,i dont go out to movies not cuz i dont like them but becuz i cant stand in the ticket counter line and i dont get much pocket money,,,i can go on and on and on and on about this ****.
i hate what this stuttering is doing to me and that i or nobody can do anything to help me to improve my life..i wish i could just tell people the truth and accept myself for who i am and not what society wants me to be,,i wish i could talk to the girl i like and make more friends ,,i wish i cud do so many things that the normal people take granted for....but i guess all this is just wishful thinking on my part,,,,the TRUTH is that i'm never going to be able to speak normally without blocking,,i'm going to find it extremely difficult to get a job even though i'm a good student,,i'm going to be in debt,,,and may never be able to come out of this vicious circle of stuttering,depression,social anxiety and what not....i'm stuck and always will be....
that ladies and gentlemen is the real truth,,,,i know its very pessimistic but these things that i'v said here,,i cant say to anybody anywhere,,its a releif to vent out my doubts and troubles....There is bhagvead gita quote about doubting i'd like to share..."Neither in this world nor in the world beyond,is happiness instore for him who doubts". Please lord give me some strength.......

Friday, 2 September 2011

That DAMNED hypersensitivity....!!!

There ,,i admit it,,,i said it...i'm a highly sensitive person and i absolutely hate that about me,,perhaps equal to or greater than this stuttering and social phobia.I hate that i'm a wuss and small little things disturb me ,,,my thought process is like a li'l girl and that ladies n gentlemen is the root cause of stuttering,,,,atleast my stuttering.....I dont get why my 'feelings' are hurt so easily ,,even when people have not said anything to me...my head's spinning with disturbing thoughts like 'wat r they thinking of me?' or 'are they talking about me?'

So ,,,ladies and gentlemen i'v admitted that i'm as sensitive as a li'l girl ,,,but i guess it takes a REAL man to admit his weaknesses,but if i really was a REAL man i wud say this upfront to people instead of saying it on the internet anonymously.To be honest ,,my case is paradoxical in a way,cuz many boys who are sensitive (not many boys are) do not stutter,,and most girls are over sensitive,but they too do not stutter...so i guess i'm just the lucky one of the lot...thank you lady luck for such kindness u'v bestowed upon me.So hypersensitivity may have something to do with why i stutter or maybe i'm completely wrong and i'm wasting my time and yours.

Hypersensitivity has taken away my piece of mind and installed in it thoughts of low self esteem,self hatred,weirdness etc ,,,the list is endless.It is also the primary reason why i cannot open up,cuz if i stutter infront of others and they say something,,,,there i go,,,i would be sad and depressed for the whole week and my mind wud be freaked out and pre occupied with wasteful and negative thoughts....Hypersensitivity is a disability worse than stuttering ,,,but its consequences maybe less obvious than those of stuttering...

I wud say this to all who stutter and most of all to MYSELF,,that accept that you have a speech problem and to hell with what everybody says or thinks,,surrender all attachement to results(according to lord krishna),,,and be a MAN and face your fears,press past the depression,anxiety ,worry and those DARNED speech blocks( i just hate them,,if they were a person i wud strangle them with both my hands).......As Rocky balboa once said "It aint about how hard you hit,,its about how hard you can get ht and keep moving forward,,,how much you can take and keep moving forward ,,THATS HOW WINNING IS DONE...!!!"