Sunday, 4 September 2011

Let the truth be told...

Another thing that i despise about stuttering is the social awkwardness that results from it.Let me share with you my case,i'm in college,a good looking strong looking young man,slightly geeky and shy.This is what people wud think of me when they first see me from a distance.but as soon as they have a slight talk with me ,they get to know that something is not right with this guy,they sense the awkwardness in my voice even if i manage to speak without stuttering.
This awkwardness that is in the air i think,is because of the lack of proper social kills that develop naturally in a normal person but stuttering severely impacts the self esteem and these may not be so developed in a stutterer.

Yesterday,a girl in my class (who i have a slight crush on but obviously i dont talk to her) asked me in a very cute manner "are you coming to the fresher's party on sunday?".I ,as usual responded with a little bit of a panic and stuttering and said i had to go somewhere on sunday so i could'nt make it any way.
God,i hate those times when i have to lie because of my stuttering,,i wonder sometimes how it would feel to just tell the truth.....i cant come to the party cuz i'm afraid people will talk to me and get to know i'm a stutterer (they already do) and judge me,,i dont talk to people(classmates, collegemates, nieghbours , relatives etc) not because i'm shy but i'm extremely nervous around them and cant speak the names of many of them,,i spend all my time indoors not cuz i'm studying,,but i dreaming of a normal life free from fear,,,,i dont go out to movies not cuz i dont like them but becuz i cant stand in the ticket counter line and i dont get much pocket money,,,i can go on and on and on and on about this ****.
i hate what this stuttering is doing to me and that i or nobody can do anything to help me to improve my life..i wish i could just tell people the truth and accept myself for who i am and not what society wants me to be,,i wish i could talk to the girl i like and make more friends ,,i wish i cud do so many things that the normal people take granted for....but i guess all this is just wishful thinking on my part,,,,the TRUTH is that i'm never going to be able to speak normally without blocking,,i'm going to find it extremely difficult to get a job even though i'm a good student,,i'm going to be in debt,,,and may never be able to come out of this vicious circle of stuttering,depression,social anxiety and what not....i'm stuck and always will be....
that ladies and gentlemen is the real truth,,,,i know its very pessimistic but these things that i'v said here,,i cant say to anybody anywhere,,its a releif to vent out my doubts and troubles....There is bhagvead gita quote about doubting i'd like to share..."Neither in this world nor in the world beyond,is happiness instore for him who doubts". Please lord give me some strength.......

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